THE SUMMER I FOUND HAPPINESS
Over the past year, I have fallen in love with life again, feeling the unadulterated joy I had lost in childhood. Happy is a generic word that encompasses so much. We all want and deserve happiness, but how do we reach our destination? This past year, I learned that happiness is an inside job. It involves being free enough to feel childlike joy again, letting go of adult insecurities and the stories we have told ourselves about who we are and how we want people to see us.
I learned that I had once used definitive words to describe myself. Words set in stone that my body believed: I am broken, I have suffered tremendous loss, my life has been challenging, I’m not worthy, I’m not loveable, I’m not enough. These stories I was telling myself weren’t serving me anymore, but I didn’t know how to let go of them. I had uncomfortably carried them my whole life like a backpack full of rocks weighing me down.
Last April, a close friend invited me and my boyfriend, Charlie, to a twenty-four-hour healing retreat. The retreat was held at a private home and had an equal number of guests to healers. While waiting for a massage, I casually spoke with a life coach. After a few moments, he told me that he noticed I talked about myself in absolutes. He invited me to think about changing how I spoke about myself, “What if you said I used to be this way, or in the past, I had these experiences, rather than using the words I am this, and I am that?” This simple conversation was the springboard I needed to create the change that ultimately helped me find the joy of life again.
It can be challenging for adults to let go and feel free like we did as kids. The other piece of my happiness puzzle came from an unlikely place: the band Dead and Company playing at The Sphere in Las Vegas. It was the perfect storm of personal work combined with the willingness to open myself up to the childlike joy I had lost as a child. I had seen Dead and Company many times before but hadn’t allowed myself to let go and feel free at a concert. To be free means not worrying about what others think about you, being unself-conscious, and letting go of inhibitions and insecurities that hold you back. When you let go and open your heart, it is contagious, and those around you will radiate joy back to you.
The first Dead show at the Sphere was awe-inspiring, like discovering the world’s eighth wonder. However, there is more to this than graphics and music; it’s the people. Charlie and I had been to many Dead and Company shows over the years, always seeing familiar faces. At concerts, we exchanged smiles and niceties; some even became our friends. However, the Sphere was different because many of the same people were there week after week, like a beautiful, repeated family reunion. I didn’t understand the ultimate Sphere/Dead and Company experience until I saw a show from the floor.
Charlie and I were invited to a photo shoot on the floor of the Sphere during a Dead and Company show wearing designs by Meghan Fabulous, who had collaborated with The Grateful Dead. We were instructed to meet Jay Blakesberg, the de facto photographer of record for the Grateful Dead scene over the last forty years, at the security checkpoint by the floor entrance. Most everyone who has been to Dead shows knows who Jay Blakesberg is or has had the pleasure of meeting him. His iconic long hair and warm, friendly smile are hard to miss. He exudes kindness as people bombard him with hellos and photo requests, which he graciously manages while carrying a backpack piled with lenses and many cameras slung over his body. He maneuvers the tight crowds easily, taking photos from every angle, always seen front and center at the show’s end for the final images of the band lined up on the stage.
At the instructed time, we reached the security checkpoint where Jay awaited us. When Charlie and I stepped onto the floor, we felt a change of energy, a vibrating joy radiating from the people around us. During the concert, we met many familiar faces with whom we had exchanged smiles, but now they felt more like friends. There were the artists from Shakedown Street, the woman who was a constant showgoer front and center on the rail, the beautiful sisters who were at every show with their parents, their cheeks sparkling with glitter, and the spinners turning to the music. They were all there. During the encore, Charlie dipped into a ring around the rosy-style circle of smiling faces. Later, he shared with me that he hadn’t felt that childlike joy in ages.
We made it to fourteen out of thirty shows this past summer, almost half of which were on the floor. I don’t believe that I would have been open to this type of unadulterated happiness if I hadn’t attended the retreat and done personal work. I needed to change my mindset, stop seeing myself in absolutes, and create change to allow room for new emotions that would serve me better than the old ones. Charlie and I have committed to continuing to work on ourselves. He works with a life coach he met at the retreat. We see a therapist together, and I work with someone specializing in somatic healing.
I feel honored to have these joyful photos by the iconic Jay Blakesberg and blessed to call him my friend. He recently sent me these images from the summer when I found happiness, and I’m happy to share them with you. I’m also delighted to share that after fourteen years together, Charlie and I decided to get married and have started planning our wedding for next summer. While this is the summer, I found happiness; perhaps the best is yet to come.
All photos by: Jay Blakesberg