Wedding Vows
Charlie, I used to enjoy telling people that you weren’t my type. On our first date, you picked me up in a baby blue Prius, and I asked, “Is this your only car?” You were wearing baggy clothes, and after meeting some high schoolers in my garage, you casually said that my kids were probably smoking pot, which I knew wasn’t true. Your shoes were my worst nightmare, and I couldn’t tell if you were chubby under all those clothes. But you exuded a quiet confidence that drew me in. Once inside your car, I asked what happened to your last relationship, and you said, “We broke up because she lied about her age.” I immediately admitted that I had lied about my age on the app we had met on out of fear of being set up with older men. “Well,” you said. “At least you’re honest about lying.”
Over time, I’ve come to see how deeply you live for the truth, by the truth, and how vital honesty is to who you are. As someone who enjoys embellishing stories for effect, I’ve learned that you’ll often correct me mid-punchline to make sure the facts are right, and I love that about you. On our first date, while waiting at a red light, I heard music softly playing and asked, “Is that the Grateful Dead?” You responded, “Yeah, is that a problem?” Little did I know then how essential the Grateful Dead is to your very soul. Your passion for the Dead and the community that follows them is one of the most beautiful parts of you. Every year on the anniversary of Jerry’s passing, you quietly sob. You have boxes filled with T-shirts, ticket stubs, stickers, and cassette tapes. You keep every magazine article from the month Jerry died. Most people might not understand your love for the Grateful Dead, but I do, and I’m joyfully on the bus with you.
When we met, I was completely crazy and had wounds that you couldn’t see with the naked eye. Setting aside my craziness, it was clear that you prioritized your son, and I wondered how my kids would fit into your life. You showed me through your actions that you could find space in your heart for all our kids. You never once made me feel like my kids were a burden. You earned their trust with love, patience, and kindness. You were there to listen and gave them your time. You calmly taught them how to drive, which my nerves couldn’t handle. You picked them up at the airport or from a party at any hour of the day or night. You were at every game, swim meet, and concert. You showed up. It would take all day to list everything you’ve done for my sons and how important you’ve been in shaping the incredible men they are today. They called you first when they had a car accident or were in trouble because you were always the rock steady, calm voice of reason. If they lied to you, you said that their story wasn’t holding water, and when they were ready to tell the truth, you were prepared to hear it. They still call you for advice on everything—career, travel plans, music, relationships—and to talk about life. You earned their love and trust, which you truly deserve.
After we moved in together, I behaved like a skittish feral cat. If you made a single triggering comment, I would lock you out of your room and send you mean messages all night. You would text me you loved me, silence your phone, and sleep peacefully in the guest room. In the morning, I would apologize, and you forgave me without judgment, never bringing it up again or holding my behavior against me. Once, I was so scared that I told the kids we were moving out, and they all said they wanted to stay with you. That was when I realized the depth of the bond you all had formed and that I needed to get it together.
I have felt unimaginable levels of joy with you—joy I didn’t know existed—much of that we’ve shared at Dead shows. Over the past few years, we have spent countless hours dancing together. When our eyes meet, you smile, and it soothes my soul. You have shown immense kindness to our Grateful Dead daughters: Fran, Vidhi, and Jenn. You know how much I need women in my life, and the void I feel from not having a daughter, so you said yes when I asked if they could stay in our hotel room at Dead shows. After three nights, our room always looks like a glitter bomb exploded, and you never complain about it. You get up early, bring us all coffee and pastries, and make us laugh with your silly dad jokes. I’ve watched you evolve, loosen up, and dance without worrying about how you appear to others. You put sparkles on your face and let your love light shine, and it’s been nothing less than beautiful. Going to Dead shows together has brought us closer, kept us young, wild, and free. It’s an adventure we share, and we’ve made the most amazing friends, all thanks to you, because we all know who the friendly one in this relationship is, and it’s not me. You’ve taught me the art of chilling and how important it is to relax and do nothing. You taught me that there is more to life than work and how to find balance between work and life.
It took me years to open my heart to you because of my unhealed wounds. Thanks to our friends Carolyn and Robby, I was able to face my childhood trauma in a safe, loving environment. Now, my heart is open, and I feel your love deeply. Your love for me has been unwavering since the beginning, like a stake in the ground holding us steady.
After learning that penguins give their mates stones every day as a symbol of their love, you have been sending me stones privately on Instagram. Some messages are sweet and loving, others are funny and silly, because you have these two sides that make you a wonderful, whole, amazing human. You genuinely believe that we knew each other in a past life and that we are soulmates. I am astounded by the depth of your unconditional love for me, flaws and all. We worked together to help me heal, and it has not been the easiest journey. At times, I feel deeply unworthy of your love and in awe of your ability to love me unconditionally. But you have shown me that your love for me is unwavering. You encourage me to grow as a person and for us to grow as a couple. You want to put in the work, and you do it with an open heart.
I love witnessing the beautiful way you think, the way you make people feel, and the way you see the world. You have the most elaborate vocabulary, and I learn a new word from you at least every week. I love that you’re fair and take the time to weigh all sides, splitting something we’re sharing evenly, and seek the truth. You are the kindest man I have ever known. I hear you talking to our pets. When we lost Biggie, you drove around looking for him every morning before work and every evening after work, but didn’t tell me that until later. I see how Lily sits with you while you make coffee in the morning and how Finn stands on your chest when you’re sitting on the sofa. You are a bright, loving light, and every being around you feels it. You never want to be in the limelight, and you live in a state of humbled grace, regardless of how much you may have given to someone else. For you, it’s not about people knowing your generosity; it’s about how you feel giving back to others.
Because of you, I am no longer a commitment-phobic. You help me realize what is possible with love, life, and the pursuit of happiness. You are the romantic lead in our love story, never forgetting the anniversary of our first date or how many years we’ve been together. You make me feel as if my existence is a miracle in the universe. Every day, you remind me that I am beautiful and often say it when I’m feeling the ugliest. You shine your light on me, and you encourage me to shine too. This love light has freed me from the darkness of my past and healed me in ways I can’t even put into words. You make me feel special every single day. I feel safe with you, and because of you, I believe I am worthy of happiness and love. Your heart holds incredible power, and everyone fortunate enough to know you can feel it. Others have commented on how beautiful our love is and that it radiates to those around us. I know none of this could have happened without you because you move through this world with an open heart. I would be lost without you.
The last fifteen years have been the most beautiful chapter of my life. They’ve been more awe-inspiring, magical, and wild than I ever imagined. We share a love where we don’t need to translate the language of our souls. It’s a love that isn’t trying to take life from each other. An honest love. A love that pushes us to grow beyond what I think we are. A love that shatters illusions and opens my heart completely. A love that carries the weight of my existence when it becomes too much to bear. A love that is curious and playful, patient and compassionate, thoughtful and respectful. A love that doesn’t just show up during good times, but also in times of hardship. A love that will struggle with me and fight for me. A love that reminds me who I am when I forget. A love that recognizes the divinity in us because it is divine.
I love sleeping with you. I love putting my hand on your chest and feeling your heart beat, and lying with you in blissful silence. Thank you for loving me and for pulling me up on your white horse so I, too, could feel the wind in my face. I can’t wait to spend forever with my best friend in all the land. Charlie, you are 100% my type
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