I’m not a dating expert or a therapist, but I found my soulmate late in life, and I want to help you find yours, too. At forty-four, I was single again after nineteen years of marriage. As a newly single woman, all I wanted to do was have fun. I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship, nor was I looking for one. This was before dating apps existed, but websites like Match.com, eHarmony, and Chemistry.com were available. After several years of dating and one semi-serious relationship with a much younger man, a client of mine, whom I greatly admired, told me I needed to get serious about finding a partner to share my life with and help me raise my three sons. Her advice hit me hard because I knew she was right. The following day, I asked my oldest son to create a profile for me on Chemistry.com, a competitor to eHarmony. I was on the site for two months and dated two men who were both into me, but I wasn’t feeling it, so I decided to get off the app. As I was about to delete my profile, one more match popped up. I decided immediately that he wasn’t my type, but I had made a commitment to turn over every stone because my type clearly wasn’t working for me. That third guy, the one I was convinced wasn’t my type, is now my husband. You can choose to use apps or not; it doesn’t matter. My tips will still help you meet someone. I promise.
When you are single, you should consciously exude single-person energy. You might meet the one anywhere, because single people are everywhere; you just need to find each other. I highly recommend a cooling-off period between a breakup and starting to date again. The break from dating will help you reassess what went wrong, so you can clearly own your role in the relationship’s demise. Every breakup brings you closer to meeting the one if you take the time to understand what kind of partner makes you happy. This gives you a chance to work on yourself, grow as a person, and hopefully not end up with the same kind of person you dated last time. Devote time and energy to bettering yourself, both in your relationships and in your relationship with yourself. After my divorce, I regularly saw a therapist, started meditating, kept a journal, practiced the art of manifesting, and read self-help books.
Go on dates with people who don’t immediately catch your eye or whom you believe aren’t your type. It’s like finding the diamond in the rough. The sparkly stone is already polished, but the dull one just needs a little polishing. You might be surprised to find that your type isn’t working for you. The person who became my soulmate was the complete opposite of my type. The minute I kissed him for the first time, I was surprised by how much chemistry I had with someone who wasn’t my type. Looking back, I realize I had done so much personal growth that my type had evolved into a far better version of itself. At times, dating was extremely stressful, and keeping a sense of humor helped when things weren’t going my way. Finding your soulmate isn’t rocket science. Try not to take the dating process too seriously. Not everyone is going to like you, and you’re not going to like everyone, and that’s okay.
A quick way to avoid a second date is to reveal all your problems on the first date. Avoid talking about your last relationship ad nauseam, bashing your ex, or confessing that you want to get married tomorrow. That’s like spewing a garlic milkshake all over someone and should be avoided at all costs. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be honest or pretend you’re perfect with zero issues. Reveal your issues slowly rather than dumping them all at once. Please don’t ignore red flags. Red flags are your spidey sense telling you that something isn’t right. Listen to your gut; it tells you the truth. When you don’t listen to your gut, bad things happen.
If you can’t picture your dream partner and your amazing life together, how will you know when you find them? Write a concise list of your dream partner’s qualities and what your dream life together will look like. I did this right before I met my husband, and years later, I shared my list with him. We both couldn’t believe how perfectly he matched my imaginary dream man. Clearly define your deal-breakers and never, ever stray from them. I was married to an alcoholic, so one of my deal-breakers was no heavy drinkers. Your deal-breaker could be as simple as the person must have a job. It doesn’t matter; just know what they are and never make an exception for even one on your list.
Always be your genuine, authentic self because you are worthy of love, and someone out there will cherish you just the way you are, or at least the new, improved version of yourself. If you want to learn more about whatever interests the person you like, great, but don’t pretend to love something. That’s not being your authentic self and will only lead to unhappiness. The things that break a relationship go deeper than whether you both love surfing or gaming. A solid relationship is built on alignment of core values and a shared sense of humanity.
You’re not going to like this last piece of advice, but trust me, it works. Let me preface this by saying I’m very sex-positive, and if you want to have a one-night stand or a fling, then you should. But if you want to meet the one, I suggest you wait seventeen dates before you have sex. I know this seems like a lot, so let me clarify that a long phone call, a quick walk together, or grabbing coffee all count as dates. Many choose to have sex within the first few dates, but you’re not them because you’re special. You could even tell the person you’re dating that you’re trying to wait seventeen dates as a personal growth challenge. I told my now-husband that I was trying something new, and he was all over asking me out as much as possible to hit that number. Here’s why I’m telling you to wait: When people start having sex, they’re on a fabulous endorphin high. All the red flags fly out the window, getting to know someone takes a back seat, and sex takes the front seat. The relationship’s emotional growth comes to a screeching halt because all you want to do is have sex. By the time you really get to know the person, after the initial high wears off, you start seeing their flaws, and by then, you’re already in deep. If you wait seventeen dates, or come close to that number, chances are you won’t want to sleep with the person at all because you’ve taken time to get to know them. Trust me, this system works, and it’s fun to make someone wait because we live in a world of immediate gratification, so waiting is new and different. You have something they want, and it’s a wonderful gift they might be lucky enough to receive.
1. Do the inside work first. The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself.
2. Exude single-person energy.
3. Is your type working for you? Turn over every stone, especially the ones that don’t immediately catch your eye.
4. Keep your sense of humor. Dating should be fun.
5. No garlic milkshakes.
6. Pay attention to red flags and listen to your gut.
7. Visualize and manifest your dream partner and your life together. Write it down and refer to it often.
8. Know your deal breakers and don’t make any exceptions.
9. Be your authentic self.
10. Seventeen date rule.