I once saw a sign in a gift shop that read: “A daughter is a daughter for life, but a son is a son until he takes a wife.” That was the start of my deep-rooted fear that if the women my sons ended up marrying didn’t like me, I’d be cut out of their lives forever.
I wholeheartedly believe all my boys have found their soulmates. The eldest is married, has a daughter, and is expecting another child. The other two are in committed, long-term relationships and live with their partners. I have great relationships with the three women my sons love, but I still have a lingering fear that I might say the wrong thing or do something so stupid that I could be cut out of their lives forever. I’m still very much a work in progress. The old me was notoriously unfiltered, and I’ve been known to blurt out outrageously inappropriate things. To quote one of my sons, who once berated me for saying something I shouldn’t have to his girlfriend, “Mom, read the room.”
One important lesson I’ve learned on my manifesting journey is to avoid sending the universe thoughts, ideas, and concepts that don’t align with what I want. But all that went out the window when I met my future daughter-in-law Nicole. On her first visit to Los Angeles, I was so desperate for her to like me that I came in way too hot, and I am still in awe that she didn’t run for the hills. Based on how my son described their relationship, I knew she was the one, and I had exactly one week to win her over. My desperation was obvious when I gave her lists of things we could do while she visited Los Angeles and offered to lend her everything in my closet. I somehow forgot that relationships take time, nurturing, and care. My gracious daughter-in-law saw through my frenetic energy and let me style her for a wine-tasting trip we took to the Central Coast. I had loaned her a leather jacket, which she loved so much that when she got home to Columbus, she bought one for herself. Since then, we’ve had many laughs about that first week, and I always thank her for giving me grace despite my clear desperation for her to like me.
After my son and daughter-in-law welcomed their first baby, they asked me to stay with them for a month to help out. There was one condition, though: I had to take an online grandparenting class. Initially, I thought it was unnecessary. After successfully raising three kids, didn’t I have enough experience? A wise friend once gave me this sage advice for dealing with adult children: “Shut up and put out the welcome mat.” So I kept quiet, signed up for the class, and my husband agreed to join me. On the day of the class, we logged in and found ourselves among many gray-haired participants struggling to hold their cameras correctly, often looking up at their noses or the tops of their heads. They asked so many basic questions during the Q&A that at one point, Charlie whispered to me, “Please make it stop.” Amid our giggles as the instructor demonstrated how to diaper a fake baby, I later realized I had learned one pivotal lesson from that class. My role as a grandparent isn’t to care for the baby but to support the new parents so they can learn to care for their child. If they seek advice, I can share my input, but otherwise, I should let them figure things out themselves, since I’ve already been a parent and they have not. That month with them was a dream come true; I handled cooking, laundry, cleaning, and grocery shopping while they bonded with the baby and adjusted to their new life. One night, my son asked me to take over the evening shift because he was exhausted. On the other nights, I went to bed early to stay rested so I could fully support these new parents.
My three sons are very close, but they are all really different, and so are the women they have chosen to share their lives with. Thankfully, all three women get along famously and really enjoy spending time together. My relationship with each of them is unique, and I feel I have built a solid foundation of love and respect, along with a healthy mix of boundaries. I’m not going to candy-coat it. I have screwed up, said the wrong thing, and done a lot of stupid things, but I’m only human, and they have forgiven me for my foibles. I think all three know that no matter how many times I put my foot in my mouth, my heart is in the right place. I have no doubt that someday they will vent about me in a group text, and that’s okay. I love that they all get along, and I believe they know I’m just a perfectly imperfect woman who loves her sons and wants to be in their lives.
